Author Comment
Carmelita9000
U2 Roadie
Posts: 106
(1/31/04 2:23 am)

 3061: New reply on a new board
Goodbye Duh.

***

Mickey: I'm not sure what the hell all that was all about, but it's all over now. I guess I should write wurwolf an apology note. That was just plain bad manners back there.

<Mickey wanders down the road and eventually gets back to Batwoman's lair. As he enters he sees Rimmi on the couch.>

Mickey: Oh, hi Rimmi.

Rimmi: Mickey! You're back! So I guess the doctors cured you of whatever the hell was wrong with you?

Mickey: Huh? Oh. Yeah, sure. Uh... Rimmi?

Rimmi: Yeah?

Mickey: I gotta tell you. Something really weird's been going on.

Rimmi: What do you mean?

Mickey: Well, it all started when I was looking for some soup and-- *gurk*!!

Rimmi: Mickey? Are you ok?

Mickey: Argh!

Rimmi: What's all that junk around your eyes? Have you been listening to The Cure?

Mickey: Well, all I can say is... <Suddenly! Mickey jumps on Rimmi and starts strangling her! What a jerk!>

Rimmi: Oh no! *choke* Is this the end for poor little Rimmi? *gasp*

<But fortunately for Rimmi, just then...>

Lita: <comes around the corner> I don't know, Rimmi. I still say we should redo the bathroom. We could have the boys paint the walls a nice shade of...HEY!!! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?? <Lita grabs a nearby (and convenient!) baseball bat and starts wailing on Mickey!> What the hell is wrong with you???

Mickey: <releases Rimmi and falls to the floor, the dark circles no longer around his eyes.> I don't know! I don't know!

Rimmi: You are so weird. By the way... <she picks up a vase off the end table and drops it on Mickey's head.>

Mickey: Ouch!

Rimmi: Don't EVER do that again! <she kicks Mickey in the groin>

Mickey: OWWWW! And hey! Look! <he poins across the room where...>

Lita: Ewww! What is it???

Rimmi: It's a severed hand! And it's crawling across the floor! What's it doing in our house??

Lita: I don't know. Where's Evil Mike?

Rimmi: I don't think this is his doing. He's way too dumb to animate severed limbs. But look at the design on the arm's sleeves!

Lita: That's PM's insignia!

Mickey: Shut up, you bitches! Ow! Stop hitting! I'm just trying to say that that thing is why I'm being such a bastard lately! <Mickey gets up and chases it around the room. It crawls surprisingly fast!> I'll kill you! It's the only way!

<The hand climbs the wall, pushes the window open with two fingers, and crawls out closing the window behind it. Mickey leaps through the window in hot pursuit, and chases the hand down the road.>

Lita: That'll be expensive to fix.

Rimmi: Yeah, ok. Mickey's strangling people and Cousin It is crawling around and you're worried about the broken window?

Lita: Thing.

Rimmi: What?

Lita: Thing was the hand.

Rimmi: Whatever. Let's go.

<Lita and Rimmi go out the door, and wander along following Mickey.>


Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Red Light
Bye Duh. It's been a blast.
Hi New Board.



Tork: LITA!!!

Lita: What?

Tork: You said I could be in this reply!

Lita: I'm sorry, Tork! But you just *had* to go to the grocery store right this second. We couldn't wait!

Tork: And that's *my* fault, is it?

Rimmi: Well, yeah.

Tork: No! No! Lita, you made me go to the store! To get you cheese! You said it was a cheese emergency.

Lita: It was. And you're a sweetheart for doing my shopping for me, Tork.

Tork: You're trying to write me out of the rp, aren't you?

Rimmi & Lita: NO!!!

Lita: We're sorry, Tork. We've been really mean. But you can be in the next reply. Ok?

Tork: Hmph.

Rimmi: It's the exciting conclusion to this plotline!

Tork: Well...

Lita: No hard feelings?

Tork: Ok... <He gets a hug from Lita and Rimmi and then leaves>

Rimmi: So. Lita. Why did I get strangled? What's your problem?

Lita: Nothing.

Rimmi: Aren't *you* the more likely candidate for strangling in this rp?

Lita: What's that supposed to mean?

Rimmi: Nothing.

Lita: It was Tork's idea.

Rimmi: Really?

Lita: Yes. Really.

Rimmi: Whatever. You'd better wrap this reply up. You already gave your tagline, like, an hour ago.

Lita: You're right. I'd better give it again:

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club

Edited by: Carmelita9000 at: 2/7/04 10:45 pm
Author Comment
Carmelita9000
U2 Roadie
Posts: 110
(2/1/04 2:17 am)

 3062: Follow follow follow...
<Rimmi and Lita follow Mickey who follows the crawling hand all the way to the local dump>

Lita: Aww, geez. It smells here. What is Mickey doing?

Mickey: <diving into a pile of garbage> Where did it go?? I must destroy it!! Before it destroys MEEEEEEE!!!!

Rimmi: Yeah, ok. You do that. Hey, look! It's Sheriff Alan Hale! Sheriff Alan Hale, what are you doing here?

Alan Hale: I, er, ahhh.... I got a call from some little lady? In a candy shop or something? Said that kid over there tried to strangle her.

Lita: Yes, but apparently it's because he's possessed by a severed hand.

Alan Hale: Is that right? <he gives Lita an appraising look> Are you hopped up on the goofballs?

Rimmi: No, she's not. Look, Mickey's our friend. But he's obviously seriously ill. He wasn't in control of his actions.

Mickey: <now standing on top of a large pile of garbage> When I find that hand... <he breaks off the end of a glass bottle he found> I'll kill it with this!!!

Alan Hale: That's a deadly weapon! <he draws his gun> Ok, Mickey, drop it!

Mickey: But...

Rimmi: No, don't!

Lita: You can't just shoot him!!

Alan Hale: Why? Because he's just a little kid?

Mickey: I'm 24.

Alan Hale: Well let me tell you something! My jailhouse is filled with snotty little kids who never learned the difference between right and wrong!!

Rimmi: So that means you should shoot him?

Alan Hale: Why the hell not? I hate kids.

Mickey: I'm 24!!

Alan Hale: He's threatening me, you know. He should drop that bottle.

Rimmi: Drop the bottle, Mickey!

Lita: Oh, pleeeease drop the bottle!

Alan Hale: <aims his gun>

Mickey: But... I gotta kill the hand...

***

<Meanwhile, elsewhere in the junkyard...>

Linky: o/` Hoody hoody hoo... o/` What the... What's this?

<Linky picks up the hand and takes a big--

Linky: Oh, no I'm not.

Lita's Voice (from off stage): But that's what happened in the movie!

Linky: Nuh uh.

Lita's Voice: Yes huh! The hand was found by some junkyard cats and they ate it.

Linky: Eww! That's-- what did you just call me?

Lita's Voice: Er...

Linky: Screw the movie! I'm doing this my own way! <she pulls out a zap pistol and shoots the hand, which catches fire, twitches a little, and then stops moving> Now. I need to get back to my own plotline. <she leaves>

***

<Back on top of the pile of garbage, Mickey gets all dizzy, drops the bottle, and rolls down to the bottom of the hill!>

Rimmi: There! He dropped the bottle! Now you can't shoot him!

Alan Hale: Doh.

<Sheriff Alan Hale puts his gun away and leaves.>

***

<The very next day, in Batwoman's lair>

Lita: Rise and shine, Mickey!

Mickey: <lying in bed> How did I get back here?

Rimmi: We brought you back. We didn't give you a sponge bath though and you smell awful.

Lita: Like you were rolling around in garbage.

Rimmi: Take a shower will you?

Mickey: But aren't you girls worried I'll strangle you?

Rimmi: Nope. You got a fever. And apparently whatever virus the hand gave you that made you misbehave dies when you expose it to temperatures over a hundred degrees.

Mickey: How do you know that?

Rimmi: Shut up, I just do.

Mickey: Where's the hand?

Lita: Don't worry. I took care of that.

Mickey: So everything's all wrapped up in a neat little package!

Rimmi: Pretty much.

***

<Last scene change, I promise. We are now at MSTBlanca, where Buffalo runs in excitedly carrying a package>

Buffalo: Boss! Yew durned done got some mail!

PM: That's fine. Just leave it on the table.

Buffalo: But Ah wanna see what you got!

PM: Well I'll look at it later. Put it down.

Buffalo: Ah'm jest too curious to put it down! Let me open it, pleeeeease?

PM: Oh, fine.

Buffalo: Goodie!!!

<Buffalo rips the paper off the box and opens it. A charred but surprisingly lively hand leaps out and clamps onto Buffalo's face.>

PM: Hey! That's my Disembodied Mysogynistic Murderin' Astronaut Arm! I wonder how it got out of the basement.

<As Buffalo screams and runs around knocking over furniture PM picks up the enclosed note and reads it out loud.>

PM: "Dear Pharty Monkeybars,
"We believe this belongs to you and felt we should give it back. It's what friends are for.
"Love,
"GROPE"
Well. Isn't that sweet of them? They really are nice people. Don't you agree, Buffalo?

Buffalo: AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!1!1!!1!


Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
This plotline's out of my hands now!
Green Light!

Edited by: Carmelita9000 at: 2/1/04 2:20 am
Author Comment
PharaohMobius
Poin Protected
Posts: 16
(2/1/04 4:09 am)

 3063: Meanwhile, back at the GROPE cave...
[Tork is holding a nicely-wrapped present, and is walking up to Lita42.]

Tork: 42! Wait a minute.

42: What is it, Tork?

Tork: I wanted to give you a present to make up for all the times I didn't treat you very well.

42: Again? This will be like the third one this week.

Tork: Aw, come on! Humor me, will you?

42: Oh, okay. [She takes the gift from Tork, and opens it.]

Tork: So? Do you like it? You like it, don't you? [He grins.]

[It's obvious that 42 does not, in fact, like it. However, she doesn't want to hurt Tork's feelings.]

42: Umm... yeah. It's great. I've always wanted a scary-looking, cymbal-playing monkey toy. [She grins unconvincingly.]

Tork, obliviously: Yay! I'm glad you like it! [His watch beeps at him.] Oh, crap! It's almost time for me to tape that one episode of Mannix where Nuveena made a cameo appearance as a meter maid! [He runs out of the room.]

[2780 walks into the room, singing a song like the kind little kids make up as they go along.]

2780: o/` And the pretty kitty flyed in the sky with the unicorrrn.. o/` [She sees 42 holding the monkey toy.] Hi other me! Oooh! Cool monkey!

42: You like this hideous thing?

2780: I love monkeys! They *are* the prettiest! And funny, too!

42: Here, you can have it.

2780: Really?!? Yay!!1! [She gleefully takes the monkey and dances out of the room.] o/` Rock and roll monkey! Rock and roll monkey! o/`

[Neither 42 or 2780 notice, but the monkey toy's eyes glow red for a moment. o/` DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNN!!! o/`]

PM
Mortimer, I'm back in the reply-writing business!
Whooo!
Sarcophagus!

So you still play God? How'd you get so good?

Author Comment
Carmelita9000
U2 Roadie
Posts: 112
(2/1/04 3:49 pm)

 3064: Tork: LITAAAAA!!!!
Lita: What?

Tork: You said I could be in that last reply of yours! You said I could be in the conclusion of that Crawling Hand plotline! You promised!!

Lita: Well, I'm sorry Tork, but we couldn't find you in time because--

Tork: No! No more stupid lame lies to keep me quiet! You kept me out of that plotline on purpose and I wanted to be in it!

Lita: Ok, Tork. I'll level with you. There weren't enough parts in the plotline to go around. Somebody had to get cut, and it was you. I'm sorry.

Tork: What do you mean there weren't enough parts? You hired extras! You even brought wurwolf out of cold storage!

wurwolf: <throws a bottle at Tork from offstage. It bounces off his head.>

Tork: Ouch.

Lita: Ok. So what part do you want Tork? The bad ambulance driver? The ice cream shop keeper that gets strangled? The bumbling local sheriff? The elderly landlady? Which one screams "TORK" at you?

Tork: I don't remember an elderly landlady.

Lita: She got cut. I'm sorry, Tork. There's just no good Torky kinds of parts in The Crawling Hand.

Tork: By the way. Why did you name the hand the Disembodied Mysogynistic Murderin' Astronaut Arm? Because it wasn't.

Lita: Of course it was.

Tork: It wasn't mysogynistic. It attacked Mickey. He's not a woman.

Lita: It strangled him so that Mickey could strangle women--

Tork: It attacked Buffalo too and he's not a woman. In fact, the hand only attacked men. Mickey was the one who strangled women--

Lita: Shut up. You're just picking at my post because you're mad I didn't put you in the plotline.

Tork: Yeah, I'm mad! I wanted a part! At least one line!

Lita: It looks like the new plotline is gonna have you in it.

Tork: I wanted to be in this one.

Lita: Ok, Tork. Fine. You go. Have this whole rest of the post to yourself. See how you do.

Tork: What?

Lita: Go. Be in the hand plot. Right now. You're the star.

<Lita steps back so that Tork can have the stage to himself>

Tork: Er, um... well. A crawling hand, gee...

Lita: See? See? It's not so easy to find a part for yourself in this--

Tork: Shhh! I'm not done! *ahem* <The background darkens and a single spotlight shines down on Tork> He learned almost too late that Man is a feeling creature. And because of it the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that Men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can’t be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection they find only death, fire, loss, disillusionment. The end of everything that’s gone forward. Men have always sought an end of toil and misery. But it can’t be given, it has to be achieved! <music starts to build and Lita looks around wondering where it's coming from> There is hope, but it has to come from inside. From Man himself.

<The trumpets play a dramatic closing fanfare and a crowd gets up cheering for Tork. They run up onstage and lift him onto their shoulders and carry him away yelling, "TORK! TORK! TORK! YAAAAY TORK!!!" Lita is left by herself.>

Lita: <quietly> I wasn't expecting that to happen... <loudly now> Hey, that monologue wasn't even from Crawling Hand!! It had nothing to do with Crawling Hand!!! <she sniffs disapprovingly> Attention whore.



Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Sour grapes

Author Comment
PharaohMobius
Poin Protected
Posts: 16
(2/2/04 9:48 pm)

 3065: [Tork is puttering around in the kitchen...]
[...of Batwoman's Lovely Home In The Suburbs, washing dishes and generally straighening up the place. Boy, is it a mess!]

Tork: Soup bowls, soup bowls, soup bowls! How does that man eat so much darn soup? [He stacks the dry bowls and puts them up in a cabinet.] And that's just Mickey. How many Litas do we have in this house, anyway? And why do they always put their empty yogurt cartons in the sink? Is it so much trouble for them to throw them away? Grumblegrumblegrumble...

[He goes on like this for awhile. It's probably better to skip ahead to something interesting.]

Tork: Hey! Are you saying my opinions aren't interesting? Don't make me poin at you!

[Sheesh, Tork. With as much as you complained about not being in the Crawling Hand storyline, I'd think you would like being the star of this one.]

Tork: Oh, all right. But I'm watching you!

[Okay, okay. Anyway, all of a sudden, something catches Tork's attention.]

Tork: Hey! All of the houseplants are dead! When did this happen? Granted, it's not like *I* water them or anything. But still! They look horrible!

[A fly buzzes around Tork's head. He unsuccessfully tries to swat it a number of times. Finally, it lands on his nose. Carefully, carefully he brings his hand up... and SWATS!]

Tork: OUCH! My nose!!1!

[Of course, seconds later the fly is buzzing around his head again. This causes him to let loose a cry of rage that would do Howard Dean proud.]

Tork: YAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!1@!!!@@!1!@@!

[Suddenly, he notices the toy monkey he gave to 42 (and that 42 subsequently gave to 2780) sitting on the dining room table. It brings its cymbals sloooowly apart. Its eyes faintly glow a hellish red, until it brings the cymbals together with a tiny, chiming crash. At that moment, the fly lets out a tiny scream and falls to the floor dead.]

Tork: *GASP!* [He runs up to the toy monkey and stares at it with wide-eyed disbelief.] No way! I can't believe it! [He picks up the toy and gapes at it.] This... this... THIS... [Tork holds the evil toy monkey over his head.] This is SO COOL! Hey everybody! Check this out!

[Rimmi enters from the back hallway, and Evil Mike comes in from the living room.]

Rimmi: What's going on, Tork?

Evil Mike: Yeah, what lame thing did you find that you think is cool?

Tork: Check this out! [He holds up the evil toy monkey.]

Rimmi: Err...

Evil Mike: Damn. You've out-lamed yourself this time, Dork.

Tork: No! Watch this! [He holds the toy up at the kitchen window, where a couple of flies are buzzing. The monkey's eyes glow, it crashes its miniature cymbals, and the flies all die. Rimmi and Evil Mike ooh and ah.] See? I told you it was cool!

Evil Mike: Sweet! I gotta try that out on some squirrels out in the yard!

Rimmi: Don't you dare! But it *would* be good for killing that nasty, hairy spider in the bathroom...

Tork: Spider? Eeek! [He almost drops the evil monkey toy.]

Rimmi: Maybe you'd better let *me* take care of that one, Tork.

[The monkey's features, though immobile, seem to convey disappoinment in its failure to instill fear.]

PM
And wait 'til they figure out it's great for keeping
their backyard barbecues mosquito-free!
Green Light!
Sarcophagus!

How do you solve a problem likeBuffalo?

Edited by: PharaohMobius at: 2/2/04 10:00 pm
Author Comment
MickeyTGardener 
PANTSMASTER!
Posts: 331
(2/3/04 1:41 am)

 3066: (Sam and Buffalo are tracking down the elephant)
Sam: Hold on, we gotta stop for a minute.

Buffalo: The junkyerd? I ain't herd of no pakyderm in a junkyerd.

Sam: Screw the elephant. I ain't missing a 4:20 because of no elephant.

Buffalo: 4:20? (Looks at his "watch") I got a upsahde down 3.

Sam: Buffalo. That's a W. It's a compass.

Buffalo: Can you hurry? I dun lahke this place....nah who would throw awah a perfectlah good can of Spaghettios...oh...

Sam: Shutup...I need to do my thing before I can smoke.

Linky: Hi boys.

Sam: Gah!!! I can't smoke with her here...get back in the elephant you...Linky!!!

Linky: The elephant spit me out while it was running from the ivory dealer...I came here to mask the smell.....(Buffalo hugs Linky) Ugh...didn't work..oh that's you...(Pushes Buffalo away)

Sam: Buffalo, take Linky back to the lair. I'll be there in ten minutes

Buffalo: Whah ten min...oh....

Sam: (At the top of his lungs) o/' ...ON A MAGIC CARPET RI...are you still here?

Mickey T Gardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Run!!!! Or Janet Jackson's breast will devour us whole!!!!

Green Light

Author Comment
Carmelita9000
U2 Roadie
Posts: 117
(2/8/04 12:27 am)

 3067: Lita8714: Ok, ok.
8714: I'll pull your asses out of the fire *again*

Lita: Is there a problem?

8714: Is there a... Look at this continuity!!

Lita: It's not that bad, is it?

8714: It's terrible. Now tell me. What's up with Buffalo?

Lita: Oh, nothing. He's always been that way.

8714: That wasn't what I meant. One second he's off with Sam looking for elephants and then he's at MSTBlanca being attacked by the Crawling Hand and then he's at the dump looking for Linky. Has he perfected teleportation lately?

Lita: No need to be nasty. Look, that's easy to fix. Take the last section of reply 3062, where Buffalo is attacked by the hand, and put it after Mickey's reply 3066, where Buffalo and Sam are at the dump. So it's like Sam sent Buffalo home and when Buffalo got home he got attacked by the hand. Does that work?

8714: All right, ok. But what does 42 have to say for herself?

42: What? You're dragging me into this now?

8714: Last time we saw you Tork had given you a new wonderful Creepy Monkey Toy.

42: Yes.

8714: But the time we saw you before that you were stuck to a horseshoe with Tucker's Brother and Lita6969.

42: Oh yeah...

8714: Care to explain?

42: In that scene they were--

8714: Don't say they were still connected to you the whole time but were just really quiet.

42: Oh, ok. Well, this is what happened then...

<snazzy wavy flashback effect...>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<42, 6969, and Tucker's Brother are still attached to the horseshoe. They're sitting on the curb with Jimmy Mobius. Lita6969 is whispering sweet nothings to Jimmy.>

42: Ok, Tucker's Brother. You'd better work out a solvent for this glue before we have to watch them making out... or worse! TB, you'd really better hurry up or I'm going to hurt you so bad!

TB: Uh--

6969: *whisper* *whisper*

Jimmy: I'm sorry, Lita6969, but I am a gentleman and I will not do that in front of your friends here.

6969: <Turning to Tucker's Brother> Listen here, Buster, you'd better get something to dissolve the glue on this horseshoe toot sweet!

TB: FINE!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<And now we're back to the present where the Litas are bickering about continuity>

42: And then we went to Target. They have everything at Target!

Lita: <bitterly> They don't have Mario and Luigi...

42: Ok, they don't have that. But they have everything else! For example, they have this goop that gets rid of horseshoe glue. So that's what happened.

8714: And where's 6969? And Jimmy? And Tucker's Brother?

42: 6969 and Jimmy are off doing whatever it is they do. That's none of my business. And Tucker's Brother got all caught up in the DVD section at Target. And I *tried* to get him to leave with me, but he wouldn't listen so I left him there.

8714: At Target?

42: Yeah.

Lita: I'm sure you tried *really* hard to warn him you were leaving.

42: Oh. Yeah. Like you wouldn't believe.

Lita: I sure don't. So are we done here 8714?

8714: Yeah, I guess so. Just try and be more careful in the future, ok?

Lita & 42: Ok.

8714: It's not like I enjoy coming out here and cleaning up after you people.

Lita & 42: We're sorry.

8714: <leaves>

42: Boy, Lita. She told you.


Carmelita8714
The Carpenter Clone

Edited by: Carmelita9000 at: 2/8/04 12:33 am
Author Comment
MickeyTGardener 
PANTSMASTER!
Posts: 414
(2/26/04 6:31 pm)

 3068: (Mickey walks to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams)
Mickey: Evil Mike better not have drank milk out of the carton aga....(Slips into an alternate dimension) Damn! That always happens!!! Where the hell am I anyway?

Skip: You're not supposed to be here.

Mickey: Of course I'm not! This is what happens when Tuckers Brother leaves his toys lying around! And who are you?

Skip: I'm Michael Jackson...who do you think I am?

Mickey: Wow.....you have got to lay off the plastic surgery, Michael!
Skip: I'm Skip! I'm your guide!

Mickey: Oh. Skip. Right...hey, listen, am I gonna get a sitcom, because we already did that plotline....

Skip: Oh...no....see, for you to get a sitcom, you have to actually be funny...not just think you're funny. (Skip waves his finger at Mickey) Zing!!!!!

Mickey: ....worked for Ray Romano.....

Skip: No, I'm here to show you how your life would be if you didn't join GROPE.

Mickey: Would there be girls?

Skip: No, but there is Raoul the Cabana Boy....

Mickey: Say that again and your demon body will know the very human pain of passing a stone....

Skip: I kid. Geez....and you're a Bono fan....

Mickey: Could it be possible you mixed me up with someone...I mean, I like Bono. He's a good enough guy...

Skip: (Checks his files).......oh....crap.

Mickey: A ha! I knew it!!
Skip: Well, can't say I don't know how to improvise.....

Mickey: Improvisation? Ooooh....can you get Kathy Greenwood?

Skip: That's not what I meant. TORKEL J. TORKELSTEIN, I...

Mickey: Wrong again, genius....

Skip: Mother fu...

Mickey: It's Mickey T. Gardener, and what's the big deal about my life if I didn't join GROPE?

Skip: Watch this (A tv appears out of nowhere and a tape starts playing)

Puppet Mickey (With an oddly high pitched voice); Welcome to MSTGardens!!! Free balloons for the kiddies!!!!

Puppet Waldo (With an oddly monotone voice): I'm hiding from all the customers.

Puppet Ortega (With special guest voice James Earl Jones): Errrrrrrrrrrn......

Skip: OK, so you hadn't installed the security cameras yet....

Mickey: Wow, James Earl Jones!!! Make him say This is CNN!!

Skip: No.

Mickey: Dang....

Skip: The poin is you hear rioting and looting at MSTBlanca here (Puts an x over at MSTBlanca), but instead of going there, you cut right to an apple pie that Aunt Bea has placed on the window sill to cool (Puts an O over the pie)

Mickey: I don't know why I didn't notice that before....

Skip: Do you know what would happen then?

Mickey: I'd...eat the pie?

Skip: Well, I was thinking more of a metaphorical touchdown...but yeah, I guess you'd eat the pie. But Waldo would be alive, the Duh would still be running, and Aaron Boone would've never hit that home run in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS

Mickey: Hey, all I care about is the pie....and maybe a little about the Boone homer....

Skip: So do you want me to rewind your life and you'll have never joined GROPE

Mickey: And I eat the pie....

Skip: Yes, you eat the pie....

Mickey: Wait....what happens after I eat the pie?

Skip: Oh....nothing.....it's not like you die because you're allergic to apples or anything.....

Mickey: I'm not allergic to apples

Skip: It's a late blooming allergy...

Mickey: Well, then screw that. I can buy a pie at a store.

Skip: Well this is what happens when I'm sent the wrong person...

Mickey: Lita? I can get her.....

Skip: Forget it, the moment's passed....

Mickey: Oh. You sure?

Skip: Positive.

Mickey: Wanna play cards

Skip: Uh....no

Mickey: C'mon...I got nothing better to do!

Skip: (Gives Mickey a copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue) Go nuts....

Mickey: I already got this one! C'mon, one game!

(Skip uses his will to set Mickey on fire)

Mickey: Ack!!!!! (He returns to the kitchen with burn marks all over his skin)

Rimmi: Wow Mickey.....you should get a hobby....

Mickey: Unnnngh,,,,,

Rimmi: Here, play with this (Puts the toy monkey next to Mickey; The monkey proceeds to close his cymbals on Mickey's nose)

Mickey: oooooooowwwwwwwwww.........

MickeyTGardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Break out the cigars! This life is for squirrels! We're off to the drugstore to whistle at girls!!!!

(Yes I know, this does nothing to further continuity. Bite me)

Green light!!!

Mickey T. Gardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
RABBIT TROOP SUCKS!

Author Comment
Carmelita9000
Posts: 146
(3/1/04 1:34 am)

 3069: Boys night out
<Tork and Mickey are hanging out in the living room playing cards>

Tork: Do you have any threes?

Mickey: No. Go fish.

Tork: But you just asked me for threes! How can you have threes if you just asked me?

Mickey: And you said you didn't have any threes. So what's your deal?

Tork: ...

Mickey: Do you have any aces?

EM: What are you two doing? Playing Go Fish? How lame.

Mickey: It just so happens nobody asked you.

EM: And this is the best thing you can think of to do with your time. You poor couple of dopes. No wonder you're so unpopular with the ladies!

Tork: We're plenty popular with the ladies!

EM: Really? Name one lady that you're popular with.

Tork: Lita!

Mickey: And Rimmi!

EM: No. They tolerate you. I mean the kind of girl that lets you go ALL THE WAY.

Mickey: Oh....

Tork: "Go ALL THE WAY"? What are you? That psycho phone sex chick from Hobgoblins now?

Mickey: Hey! Lita6969!

Tork: Yeah! Lita6969!

Mickey: Take THAT!

EM: She doesn't count.

Tork & Mickey: Oh.

EM: Nope. It's true. You two are repellant to the ladies.

Mickey: Well so are y--

EM: Fortunately for you, I'm feeling generous. I'm going to teach you two how to score with chicks.

Tork: We don't need your help.

EM: Oh yes you do. Now come on!




Red Light!

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club

Author Comment
Carmelita9000
Posts: 147
(3/1/04 1:57 am)

 3070: Girls, Girls, Girls!
<Evil Mike is at the wheel of a beat up old Chevy. Tork and Mickey are riding along, but they're not looking too happy.>

EM: Ok. Lesson one. See that girl over there? <He poins at a girl who is standing on the sidewalk> Chicks love it when you do this.

<Evil Mike rolls down the window.>

EM: Now. Watch what I do as I drive by her here...

<As the girl walks along the sidewalk Evil Mike sticks his head out the window and shouts at her> HEEEBABUHTHASSWAHNFAHNAZYAHGODDTHUHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1!1!!!1!!

Girl: What the hell was that all about?

<EM rolls up the window>

EM: See that? She totally wants me now.

Tork: No she doesn't.

EM: Yes she does! Didn't you see the look on her face?

Mickey: Even if she did want you now, I don't see how that helped. She's waaaaay back three blocks ago and you're way over here.

EM: See it as laying some groundwork, right? The seeds are planted. Someday somewhere we will meet again, and she will be all over me.

Tork: Right.

EM: Ok, Smart Guy. I'll show you again-- oh, &@#$! <The car shudders to a halt as smoke pours out from under the hood> Ok. Abandon car. And I'll show you a non-car-reliant way to get girls. <Evil Mike, Tork, and Mickey quickly climb out of the car and run away just in time to avoid getting blown up along with the heap.>

***

<It is now several hours later. You can tell because it's dark out. The three men are now standing at an ill-lit bus stop.>

Tork: Evil Mike? I had things I wanted to do today.

EM: What? Play your dumb video games?

Tork: ...yeah...

EM: Don't worry. When you're covered in ladies you'll thank me for this.

Mickey: Why are we standing around out here? I don't think this is a very good place to meet women...

EM: And that's why you never meet any. Hey wait, here comes one now. Watch what I do. <A nervous looking woman walks by> Hey baby! You want some of THIS?? <The woman dashes across the street and runs away>

Mickey: Yeah, that went well.

EM: Look, she's probably a lesbian or something.

Tork: I don't see how frightening women who walk down the street helps.

EM: Look, if they didn't want a boyfriend why would they be walking around by themselves in the dead of night? But look, there's a woman over there walking to her car. Hey, you! What's your name?

Woman: Uh...

EM: I just want to know your name.

Woman: I have mace.

EM: How about your phone number?

Woman: <trying to find the right key to get into her car> Look, I don't even know you. Go away. (Dammit! Why can't I find that key?)

EM: But that's why I want your phone number! So we can get to know each other! My friends want to get to know you too! <Evil Mike helpfully poins out Tork and Mickey who look at their feet sheepishly.>

Woman: <Memorizing all their faces in case she needs to tell the police later> If you come any closer I'll scream. <she finally gets the right key, gets into her car, and speeds away.>

EM: Damn. I thought I had that one.

Tork: You know what? I don't like this method of picking up women.

Mickey: I agree. This is really creepy. Can we try something else?

EM: Fine, you pansy. I got one last method. This is gold.

<Elsewhere in whichever city we're in...>

EM: Now. Look over there. What do you see?

Mickey: A woman and her boyfriend.

EM: Yes. And he's a little skinny wimpy guy. And you know, women say all kinds of stupid things, but secretly they want the guy who's the strongest and the toughest. So here's what we do.

<Evil Mike walks up to the happy couple and punches out the skinny guy.>

Girlfriend: Wesley!

EM: Hey, Baby-- OW!!!

Girlfriend: Yeah, I just punched you in the face. How do you like it, you big bully?

EM: But you're supposed to be-- OUUUCH!!!

<And surprising nobody, the girlfriend proceeds to beat the snot out of Evil Mike. In a matter of seconds Evil Mike is lying dazed on the ground. Lita runs around the corner>

Lita: Evil Mike!!!

Mickey: Where the hell did she come from so fast?

Tork: *shrug* Bad writing?

Mickey: Shhhh!

Lita: <crouching by Evil Mike> Evil Mike, my poor baby! Are you hurt?

EM: <knowing when to work an injury> Uuuugh...

Lita: Where's the brute who did this to you?

Girlfriend: Actually, it was me.

Lita: How dare you! How dare you harm somebody's innocent boyfriend you... you... harpy!

Girlfriend: Excuse me? That man lying on the ground over there <she poins> is my boyfriend. And your boyfriend is the one who did that.

Lita: Oh... Well did he have a good reason?

EM: Baby... I'm in pain over here...

Girlfriend: Well, he started hitting on me right after so--

Lita: HE WHAT???

EM: Lita, don't get mad! I was just teaching Tork and Mickey here how to get chicks--

Lita: You mean you were out here *trolling for dates*??

EM: Um...

Lita: That is *it* Evil Mike. I am sick and tired of this. I have been putting up with your crap for years thinking maybe sooner or later it might be *worth* the hassle since supposedly you *are* my henchman and all, but it's not!

EM: Baby?

Lita: Don't you "baby" me. You are in big trouble. I have half a mind to throw you out on your ass right now.

Mickey: Why don't you?

Tork: Yeah. Evil Mike's a jerk.

EM: I'll remember you said that...

Lita: You shut up! I'm a nice forgiving type so I'll give you one last chance. You're going to start treating me with respect from now on.

Mickey: And why should he?

Tork: He's never listened to you before.

Lita: Because if he doesn't I'll cut his balls off.

<The boys all swallow hard as Lita storms back to the hideout>

Mickey: Sucks to be you.

EM: Shut up.

Tork: Think she'll give us a ride home?

Mickey: Why don't you ask her?

Tork: Uh... no...

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club

Next up: Look! It's Hellboy!

Back to a crawling arm

Back to main page